Opening a restaurant these days seems to be done by checklist. Fashionable address and no parking available, check. Tiny tables and uncomfortable designer chairs, check. Large and unwieldy plates, check. 17 different wine glasses and no water glass, check. Snobbish staff, check.
Walking into such a place is at first like walking into a fridge, with all the positive attributes going to the fridge. After this pleasant first surprise it's a steep downward trek to hell. As the waiter approaches, his eye over of my clothes tells me that I am definitely underdressed for this restaurant.
When I tell him that I have reserved a table under my name, his nose goes up even further. I know my name has been neither in the news nor in the papers. His voice when showing me the table conveys the message that this restaurant isn't intended for nobodies.
A look at the menu confirms my worst fears. The chef is so highly impressed with himself that the menu is barely understandable, it's just a hodgepodge of languages from around the world. Who wants a sauce made from gardenias? Who possibly could stomach Chinese glass noodles with Swiss Brie cheese and gold leaf?
Drinking no alcohol and ordering water brings me down to rock bottom with even the lowliest of servers. The service after that is at best frigid, mostly just slapdash and indifferent. The food presented on those oversize plates almost fills a fork. The plates must be so big they don't lose that bit of food on the way.
And at the end I get that ridiculous pay check. This is why I don't like to go to new restaurants. This brings me to the seven cardinal sins:
To style your restaurant after what the cool magazines tell you is cool, is suicide. The hapless students who write for these cool magazines only tell you your place is cool because of the hot meal they get for free. As these magazines are only cool because they think so themselves, their acclaim is rather worthless. As they are read exclusively by other hapless students who can't afford your prices anyhow, you haven't sold a single meal by it.
If you do a grand opening night with free food, don't expect any of that evening's guests to ever come back. Only parasites go to opening nights. Don't expect them to give any positive publicity; they just turn up to find things wrong with your place to fuel their gossiping.
When the food hacks from the newspapers tell you that your place has stile, they do that in the hope of coming for a free meal, again. As they are food hacks mainly because they weren't good at anything else, you shouldn't be misled by their attitude.
If you don't ask an opinion of your paying guests after the meal, you will never know how good you are. Worse, you will never know what to do better in future.
If your guests don't like your food, then the meal was bad. It's not guests who have no taste for the exotic.
When your guests don't leave a tip, it means that service was too bad, not that your guests were stingy.
If your guests don't come a second time, it's because they didn't like your place, not because they can't afford it.
Before opening a restaurant, think. If you think you know everything better than your guests, don't do it. If on the other hand you think your guests should feel at home with you, do it. Start your good intentions with chairs one can sit on instead of precariously clinging to them.
