Choose well and occasionally have dental appointments, ill children or radiator leaks at home so you can duck out every now and again. Do not miss too many as to attract suspicion but when you successfully dodge one, do something just as useful with the time, like go to a bar.
There are two truths to remember here that will always happen. Firstly, when you take on a new student they invariably come from a place that did not teach anything. Secondly, that good students move away. Usually to Canada. It's always the ones that you pray will leave who stay forever. Then, just as soon as you are able - to your satisfaction - to describe them as remotely civilized and “classroom ready” they move up a year to a new set of teachers. These teachers then ask you why you ranted on about little Billy so much because he is such a lovely kid to have in the class.
Take an aspirin and consider that although food prices may be rising booze seems to getting inexorably cheaper.
Time will always run more quickly during your free time. The worst thing in teaching is invigilating exams, where time almost comes to a standstill. It goes so slowly that when you look at the students doing the exam it seems as if they are writing in slow motion. Often you realize that, yes, they actually are writing in slow motion, the little devils (see number 7 - reward) and your heart sinks. Then you feel like crying.
This aside, it is the teacher's free time where the laws of physics seem to go truly haywire. This is where time speeds up to such an extent that if you are lucky enough to get an hour for your lunch, it seems more like five minutes and the bagel you promised yourself you would savor and enjoy goes half eaten as you dash to your next class. A solution here is proffered - physically leave the institution when you have a break. Time returns, miraculously, to normal.
Although the backlash has begun, there is still a certain linguistic political correctness that the new teacher must follow in order to get on. So, when you are speaking to your institution's psychologist (if you are lucky or unlucky enough to have one, whatever your point of view is) there are a few rules to follow. Do not refer to the student as a “weirdo” - it simply won't do in this day and age. The correct term is “emotionally disturbed”. Do not refer to a student as a “retard” - what you really mean to say is “educationally challenged”. Someone you may describe in the daylight as a “mouthy little git” should be referred to as “excessively loquacious in the learning environment”. Finally, remember if the sweet little chap or chapette indicates an immediate attack on your person they are not guilty of “abusive and threatening behavior” but are “socially maladjusted”. Bless.
You have taught a subject - and you think you have done it well! One of the ways to measure the success of teaching and learning is to give the little angels a test. Here comes another truth about teaching. On a Monday with no test, if you have twenty students you may well achieve the magic one hundred percent attendance. All twenty will be there, attentive, punctual and brimming with health.
Tell them that they have a test the next day and you will be lucky to get seventeen. At least three will suddenly go down with bubonic plague, typhoid or cholera. Take heart - at least you will be able to take some satisfaction in the fact that they have digested their “plagues of the world” class of the previous semester. Do not despair - take number six in to account and be pragmatic. Console yourself with the fact that they cannot escape you forever, cackle maniacally and proceed with the day's activities.
This list is not exhaustive! Every teacher will have their own experiences. Please use the comment box below to add your own suggestion for inclusion. Keep it clean, folks!
