However, the skill of effective listening is essential to all harmonious relationships, whether that's business or pleasure - and certainly essential if you want to succeed in a sales environment.

The following are effective listening skills which provide the foundation for creating greater empathy with customers, colleagues and our loved ones.

Respect

You need to value the speaker's opinion, even if you don't agree with it. Show concern and demonstrate that you respect their point of view. Take your time to hear what their objections might be and with patience, you will earn their respect.

Deletions and Distortions

This means "listening between the lines". When someone says they "can"t do something, it usually means that it doesn't fit with one of their values and beliefs. It doesn't mean that they literally can't do it.

If someone says that "we have found that doesn"t work', who is the "we" in the statement? Ask the person whether it is one person or a whole department and then perhaps add the question, “What have you found that works well?”.

Questions are a wonderful way of drilling down and clarifying a conversion. If you do with with a empathy and concern for the other person's situation, it will open the way for understanding. However, be careful not to break rapport by challenging them directly.

Focus on what isn't being said, and whatever you do, don't critisise what the person has already told you. It is imperative that you listen carefully to what they say and then ask follow up questions so that you can reveal the whole story.

Truth

Sometimes people can be really enthusiastic about a product, service or person and then when you meet them again, they've gone "off the boil". Have you ever experienced this? I have.

This happened to me once when I was talking to a prospective client about the business consultancy I offer. They listened enthusiastically nodding their head in agreement and even talked about dates for us to commence work. As they were leaving they added the proviso that they need to check their diary, but would be back in touch the next day.

Three days passed, so I decided to give them a call. This time, instead of being warm, sincere and engaging, they were cold, abrupt and verging on rude. When I asked if they'd looked for a convenient date for us to start work together, they informed me that they'd decided not to go down this particular route and look for other alternatives.

I was really surprised and disappointed because they'd seemed so genuine about instructing my services as a consultant. So, I politely asked if there was any other reason why they'd chosen not to employ me as a consultant.

I'm glad I pushed this next question, as the client softened and explained that he wasn't the final decision maker and when he'd asked his boss, there wasn't the budget there to appoint me.

If I hadn't asked this question, it could have dented my confidence slightly. Because I'd asked another question, the truth was revealed. This was a valuable lesson to me in understanding that people often have many reasons for being evasive or dishonest. In this case I was talking to the "monkey, not the organ grinder" - another valuable lesson learnt!

The other side of this coin is when someone says something to you and you don't want to listen. It could be that the customer or client says something about your product, service or even your ability. Without getting emotional about it, look to the words and see if there is any truth in what they're saying?

Put a sock in it!

No, not literally, I mean be mindful of the amount you talk. Your customer has a very short attention span, of about thirty seconds. In fact, advertisers are now so tuned in to the fact that our attention spans are getting shorter, that they deliberately make short, punchy adverts that don't last longer than thirty seconds each. Research has shown that if they do run longer than this, we get up and make a cup of tea!

Make sure that you break your conversation up with a question such as, “have you got any questions about this” after each thirty second "soundbite". Also, don't interrupt!

In my opinion, this is a natural ability that us women have as we talk, interact and change subjects. We multi-task incredibly well where our language is concerned. This could be because thoughts are formulated faster than speech, so there is a natural temptation in both men and women to do so.

However, if you're talking to a client or customer, stick to the point and never interrupt them. It's a sign that you're not listening or that you're too eager to sidetrack them so you can start talking.

Another irritating habit of someone who doesn't listen properly is the ability to "mind read" and finish someones…

Sentence. Yes, that's right it is really annoying and if you do it too often, it shows lack of respect for the person talking and you could also guess the wrong ending!

Understand your customer

If you don't take time to understand your customer, by listening to them properly, then someone else will and that's where the cheque will go.

Remember that we are all unique and just like a thumb print, our map of "reality" is just that a map - it's a representation. Just like a menu in a restaurant represents the food - it isn't the food itself.

Listen and see the way the customer thinks. This is about listening to the language they use and how they represent the world (more about this subject later). Respect that they will see the world from a different vantage point to you. Listen carefully and understand that this is valid from their perspective.

Paraphrase what they say

To ensure that the customer or client knows that you've understood what they've said, it is important to listen emphatically and paraphrase what you've heard. This is using the same words back to them so that they know you've received the message they were conveying correctly.

It also makes the sender of the message feel reasurred that you've understood the emotions, their thoughts and clearly received the meaning of what they've said.

The importance of eye contact

Don't take long notes when talking with a client because this will break rapport and become distracting. Always keep your notes brief and maintain good eye contact at all times.

Mirror their eye contact, so if they break their eye contact, make sure you do to, albeit momentarily and make sure you don't stare them down - this isn't a competition of who is the more dominant in the conversation.

Think fast and briefly pause for thought

You need to be quick thinking if you're in a sales situation. Don't interupt or second guess, but be prompt in asking the next question. The one thing that will cut rapport quickly is a long hesitation by you, whilst you think about your next question!

As the client or customer is talking, listen carefully to what they're saying and then make sure you follow up immediately with a question to either clarify what they've said, or to move you further in the negotiation process.