Sporting Analogies

The use of sports analogies and terminology is as de rigueur in the business world as it is cringe-inducing. This is largely on account of phrases like "stepping up to the plate" being used by middle-aged bozos who clearly have no interest in sport - or indeed anything outside of work - in order to build some kind of connection with their (usually younger) staff who do have outside interests. In the UK, it's bad enough when these so-not-down-with-the-kids-it-hurts management types make assumptions about the hobbies and interests of their staff and start shoehorning in references to "goals" and "getting over the line" and "getting a hole in one" and "kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi" (ok, I made that one up), but when they use phrases that relate to sports not played - or watched - in the UK, the absurdity of the use of sports-related terms becomes particularly apparent.

Skills: Hard and Soft

Whatever your line of work, you need skills. Without skills, you can't do the job - whatever it may be. So, it stands to reason that companies need skilled employees, whatever their line of business, be it refuse collecting, shelf-stacking, pizza delivery, brain surgery or aeronautics. But it's only really in an office environment that you'll find people extolling the virtues of the staff wit the right "soft skills." According to a recent BBC report, "many graduates lack soft skills." But what are these skills, which, apparently, "recognised as key to making businesses more profitable and better places to work" according to a number of sources?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the definition is as broad as to be near meaningless, as is often the case with the "conceptual" aspect of business. Fundamentally, soft skills relate to a person's interpersonal skills, their possessing a responsible demeanour, their ability to self-manage, negotiate, and their levels of honesty and integrity. Of course, soft skills don't necessarily reflect one's ability to actually do the job. Moreover, if an interviewer simply isn't keen on an applicant, even if they have the best experience and are the best qualified for the job, they can turn them down with the excuse - sorry, justification - that they "didn"t possess the right soft skills.' And what the hell is a "hard skill" is such a thing exists?

Roll Up, Roll Up, Roll Out

The word "roll" has a number of meanings, according to the dictionary. It can be a cylinder, a small bread loaf, a list or register, or, when used as a verb, indicates turning over and over on an axis. However, in business speak, to "roll out" means to introduce broadly. Of course, sometimes a "roll-out" can be company wide, while others can see a small team of three our four adopt a new process, in which case said process is "rolled out" to the team or department. The term has recently crossed into common parlance, and often appears in news stories. Indeed, a recent advertisement for an airliner stated that certain services - food, reclining seats, or somesuch - were being rolled out across all flights in the coming months. In light of this, the dominance of the term seems to suggest that rolling out may be analogous to the action of a steamroller.

Blameshifting

You've fucked up. Royally. So royally you could probably even find yourself out of a job. Do you grovel for your life and your career? No, of course not. You point the finger. So-and-so fed me the wrong stats, or didn't provide them on schedule. So-and-so completely failed to touch base when he was supposed to, and consequently you had no idea he'd taken the project in completely the wrong tangent. So-and-so gets hauled over the coals, and your job is safe. Yes, let some other poor cunt take the heat. The blame.... has been shifted. And that... is blameshifting.

Passing the Buck

Sometimes there's no blame as such. But in business, you need the right tools, and the right support from the right people. Which, for those in higher management, means a lot of people who sit around and nod in agreement and make encouraging noises during meetings, agree to do everything suggested, and then delegate the task of actually doing what's been agreed to some poorly paid sucker further down the food chain. So, when progress is slower than the higher management wants, it's not the fault of the nodding, encouraging cronies. It's because the guys they delegated to aren't pulling their weight, or encountered various obstacles or "blockages."

Ask the poorly paid sucker about the obstacles, and you'll find another, even moor poorly paid sucker has encountered problems - IT issues, or all the staff on his department have been off sick or quit and not been replaced. On referring to IT or HR about their involvement, it will transpire there are budget issues. Probably a shortfall because someone in higher management is being a tightwad. And so it goes on, up and down, to and fro, along and along. Passing the buck can be a very effective career strategy, and doing it well without ever being caught without an excuse is a valuable skill. A soft one, no doubt.

Capture That Data

The connotations of "capture" to the majority of people, are, I would expect, suggestive of being caught or taking prisoners rather than suggesting anything to do with information. But given the way so much information gets misused and misinterpreted, it's perhaps fitting that to gather and record information and numbers is referred to as capturing the data. After all, you just know all that data's begging to be set free again....

Flow Charts

Planning is everything in business. Indeed, for some people, planning is a full-time job. But "planning stuff" doesn't sound particularly sexy, and so to pretty things up, charts and illustrations - usually done on Powerpoint - are favoured by these tedious nerds. So, you want to know how something happens? Sure. But "you go from A to C via B really isn"t impressive, which is why jazzing things up with boxes connected by lines and arrows is the thing to do. But then, "boxes connected by lines and arrows" doesn't sound too impressive either, which is why Flow Charts and Process Maps were invented. It makes the data you've captured look cool and sound cool and, better still, co-ordinated, rendering a haphazard pile of papers being shunted between desks a smooth, linear sequence of events. Clever huh?

Acronymamania!

“Quick! I need a SOAP ASAP! And I need that MI PDQ, I'm in a telecon in five!” you've probably heard such things being said - or yelled - countless times by managers and management suck-ups if you happen to work in an office. If you know what the fuck they're on about, then it's a fair sign that you've probably been there for too long. Time is money. Using words takes time, and therefore costs money. Thus, to save money, acronyms can be immensely useful. Acronyms aren't terrible per se, and nor are they found exclusively in the business domain. But in the corporate environment, managers and people on projects have a habit of cooking up new ones and creating acronyms for things that probably don't really need or warrant acronyms behind closed doors and in exclusive meetings. “Yes, we need to really start pushing them on the Scheme for Outreach Directives, going forward... that way, we can really start Making a Difference and provide Good Value for Money, going forward.”

Quite forgetting that these new terms aren't common knowledge, a mass communication will be circulated around the entire company, and it will be littered with these obscure sequences of capital letters without any explanation of their meaning: "All staff, FYI: Project Beckham is pleased to announce that Bill McToss will be the CUNT going forward. PB"s objectives are focused around our focus on SOD, which will enable us to facilitate a mode of operating whereby all staff will be able to MAD. We hope to see al staff MAD by the end of the year, and there will be MAD meetings held across all sites ITNF, because SOD is central to our FUCK and SHIT strategy in the next FY. Our new impetus is on GVFM and we hope to roll this out to all departments in the next 6 months going forward.'

Statistically Speaking...

Everyone knows that there are lies, damn lies, and statistics. But in business, statistics - or Stats - mean everything. Even when they mean nothing. They dress them up in pie-charts, graphs, Venn diagrams, wavy lines in different colours to show the targets and the actuality and waffle on at length about the way "the figures speak for themselves" in board meetings and presentations, often without having even the vaguest grasp on what the crunched numbers are saying. And what are they saying? Well, precisely whatever whoever's presenting them wants to. It's all a matter of spin. Spin? No, glass half full / glass half empty! For example, when it's announced that the latest customer survey showed that 75% of respondents were happy with the service, it's often whooped up as a big positive. Cue huge round of back-slapping and ignore the fact that 25% of respondents to the same survey thought the service was gash. Until it's time for the annual reviews and the bonuses of the staff who actually do the work, at which point 25% of customers were dissatisfied, which is an unacceptable level, and is used to justify doling out paltry payouts and below-inflation annual increases.

"But is it Feasible?"

Of course, not all questions have answers. And some questions cannot be answered with a simple, straightforward "yes" or "no." But many can. In the real world, you may ask - or be asked - if 4 printers is enough between 800 people who are employed to write letters for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. And the answer, based on simple logic and common sense would almost always be "no" (followed by the exclamation "of course not! What a ridiculous question!") but in the business world, it requires gathering a bunch of people together to discuss it, before setting out the objectives of a feasibility study. Usually, they'll spend a month coming up with a codename for the project, spend hours flouncing about and arranging "telecons" and generally pricking about while failing to grasp the basic premise of what they're researching, only to conclude after six months that they need to gather more data to make a proper assessment. So next time you hear talk of feasibility, just say "fuck it, I"ll bring my own pencil sharpener from home.'

Memorise these and use them, as frequently as possible. You'll be on the board in no time.

 

Of all of the phrases that are pointless, meaningless and overused, "going forward" really is the highest ranker. Initially, it came in as a substitute for "in the future," referring to plans to progress projects, etc. Of course, it's not really about going forward in any sense other than chronologically, because much corporate activity is about dressing up the same carp to look different. Never mind the fact it still exudes the same aroma of fish. Why "going forward" has gained such popularity is beyond me. Why not say "in the future" which has the same number of syllables, or something meaningful dependent on the context its being used? Time was when context mattered. But going forward has gone viral. It's become the "erm" of the corporate world. It's a phrase, a sentence and a full stop in itself. “We'll book a telecon to discuss it going forward.” “Yeah, book me in on my diary going forward.” As such, it's become a cliché. More than that, its ubiquitous use has stripped it of any meaning.
Having heard the phrase used in interviews on the news recently, it appears that "going forward" has actually seeped into the real world.

Reinventing the Wheel

Reinventing the wheel is something that no sensible person would attempt. And most corporate bods are sensible enough to realise this. And not reinventing the wheel is something you'll find managers bragging about. It's a new approach, but they're not trying to reinvent the wheel. Having said that....

Avoid Fillers

 

People pause and hesitate in conversation all the time. Sometimes it's because they're struggling for the right word. Sometimes it's simply out of habit. In linguistics, vocalised hesitations are referred to as "fillers." According to Michael Larcombe writing in New Scientist in 1995, "silence is often construed as a signal that the current speaker is ready to give up his or her turn. So, if we wish to continue our speaking turn, we often need to fill the silences with a sound to show that we intend to carry on speaking." But there probably aren't many linguistic experts in the corporate world, which is why when call centre staff are trained, they are instructed to avoid "foghorning." This is presumably because protracted "eeeeer" sounds are a little like foghorns. Ok. But it's also perhaps unsurprising that speakers of different languages use different sounds as fillers, which renders the term meaningless when used in training notes for staff in call centres based in India. Imperialism - or unfathomable ignorance - remains rife.

It's On My Radar

A statement you'll hear countless times when travelling by train within earshot of a corporate cock is, “Yeah, yeah, it's on my radar...” A favourite of the inept and those who prefer to look busy rather than actually doing anything.

Car-Park That

 

I suspect that most normal people consider a car-park to be a large flat place where drivers park cars. The clue's in the name, really. But if someone says they're going to "car-park that" during a meeting, it's probably not a good sign. On the surface, it's

Put It On Ice

To me, a freezer is a domestic appliance that keeps foodstuffs cold, thus preserving them. The principle is extended in the business world to refer to keeping an idea fresh but inactive. Or something. A variation of the real-world term whereby something such as a project is put "on ice," putting it in the freezer is much snappier and inventive, and provides a neat alternative to car-parking, or a "cooler" alternative to the back burner.

Be Progressive

 

The corporate world is big on buzzwords. Nevermind if they're meaningful or used sincerely. Image is everything. Substance is for other people to worry about. Yes, the box is empty, but it looks nice from the outside, so people are going to be happy to pay through the nose for it. And they're supposed to be thinking outside the box anyway, so what does it matter what's inside? Progressive is one such buzzword. Companies like to appear "progressive" - whatever that means. As far as I can tell, it means they've found new ways of screwing people over and making as much profit as possible for delivering the minimum of service or product they can get away with.

High-Level Stuff

High Level - serves to reinforce the us and them division between managers and the chairpounders who aren't important enough or savvy enough to understand what the upper echelons of an organisation discuss behind closed doors. The meeting's all about high-level stuff... we'll break it down and roll it out to staff once we've fully digested the implications of the implementing the strategy moving forward. What they really mean is that because they don;t actually do the work, they haven't got a clue, and so talk about things broadly and vaguely with no idea of whether or not it's physically possible. So, "we need to make a saving in this area of £6.2M. if we reduce the staffing levels by 60% that should do it." Yeah, but the work volume's still there. But that's not for the people on the shop floor whose jobs are on the line to worry about, because it's high level. The penpushing proles wouldn't understand.

Pushing the Envelope

The implications of pushing the envelope sound very like passing the buck. But no, It's going beyond the established boundaries. So why not pushing the boundaries or parameters rather than some meaningless metaphorical envelope?

Knowledge is Power

Sometimes there just isn't a carp metaphor or catchphrase that fits the bill. I've overheard managers on phone calls, in telecons or even in meetings foundering for a phrase that sounds impressive and serves to cover the fact they haven't a clue what they're talking about. “yeah, yeah, I've not really got so far going forward on this one, it's got a lot of chefs on it and I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. I'm still trying to capture down the soft knowledge, and it's on my radar...”

But why? Knowledge is power. If you know the code, are privy to the important, "key concepts" you can speak in a manner that sets you apart from the plebs, the drones on the bottom rungs, and those who aren't in the world of business. And in doing so, it's possible to demonstrate that knowledge and radiate signals that you therefore have the power. So, remember and use these phrases in interviews, in meetings, or loudly while loitering at the coffee machine and you'll go far.

The first thing you must do to make a persuasive speech is to prepare. Rehearse and memorize your speech. Practice presenting your speech alone or in front of others.

There are many other things you must do. You must establish an ethos, or credibility, with your audience. Start your speeches with something that will get the attention of your audience. Say something that will show your sense of humor and elicit laughter.

Good eye contact is important. Common sense should tell you that you should not look at the ceiling or the floor. Convince yourself that the people in the audience are your best friends and look directly at them. Look at the entire audience so that no one will feel like he or she is being singled out. Only speak while reading your notes once in a while, if that is necessary. If you decide to give your speech away from the podium, hold your notes away from your face. It is okay to walk in front of the audience.

Your body language and posture can help make or break your speech. Do not put your hands into your pockets. You will probably build a wall of resistance if you cross your arms. Do not move your hands too much. Avoid pointing at the audience. Do not lean on the podium.

The facial expressions you use can play an important part in persuading your audience to accept and incorporate your message. Do not frown or look sad. If the message you are trying to convey is serious, you may display a neutral facial expression; however, you should not spend too much time being stoic. Your face will not break if you smile throughout your presentation.

It is important to pay attention to the tone of voice you use. Do not use a tone that is too soft, harsh or weak. It is important to not present your speech in a monotone; therefore, you should occasionally change the tone of your voice a little. Let your current mood help dictate your tone. For example, you should use a tone that displays excitement when you cover a point you are very passionate about. If you have a tape recorder, please record your rehearsals.

Never let your emotions overcome you. In November 1994, Republicans gained control over the United States House and the United States Senate; subsequently, they instituted radical changes. When I gave a political speech to my class in 1996, I lost my cool. I blasted the Republican Party as being mean-spirited politicians who enjoy cutting benefits for poor people.

This tantrum made it harder to persuade the audience to vote for Democrats in the following election. My classmates criticized me for “having an axe to grind”. While tutoring me in algebra a few months later, a former classmate said she liked every speech I gave except my speech blasting Republicans. I should have only discussed the good things Democrats do.

Please do not be afraid to give an important speech. Follow these steps to make a persuasive speech.