Applying and resigning in two jobs during a three-month period may be viewed by everyone as delinquent, and I admit that it has little suggestions of rebelliousness in it. I hunt for an occupation after bidding goodbye to volunteer work from SIKAP for two years. After being accepted in two jobs, I resign because of ideological reasons, as one may call it. I experience four months of searching and three months of working. It is also the time of my first plane ride to disenfranchised communities. This is a dream that I have always yearned for and, as God would have it, my flight's schedule is a day after my birthday. I also have chances of working in writing projects which improve my grasp of words and semiology.

Throughout my year, I am exposed to older bosses that I humbly obey in the beginning, but whom I end up contravening after three months. This is not to deliberately insult them but my irritation and somber grow during these times. Most of the time, I do not agree with what they expect me to accomplish. I observe that they are output-oriented rather than empowering to people. It makes me reflect about the leadership styles of both our generations. Eddie Gibbs, an American professor of theology, affirms that past generations' headship is controlling while my era's leadership is reflexive. This doesn't, however, rank which approach is better. In fact, he mentions that today's young people have baggages because of their culture. They are reluctant to take initiative and responsibility; appear to casual and aimless; have anger or detachment towards institutions; and naively idealistic. I deem that this is not only because of our leadership methods but also caused by tensions produced by rapidly evolving societies. Our times shove us to experience conflict between the Universal and the Individual. Do we choose modernity or tradition? Short-term or long-term concerns? Assimilation or expansion of knowledge? In a nutshell, we are being pushed into confusion or into post-traumatic stress disorder.

I realize that I lack courage and initiative when I ask my boss' consent to resign. I enter her small private office decorated with ornaments from around the globe. In the middle of the room lies her big desk full of documents, pens, and odd paper weights. At the right are tons of books and at the left are dusty paintings. Behind the table is an intimidating black executive chair where she sits. I hand her my resignation letter and park myself in front of the counter. She silently reads the note while my heart races and pounds. She looks at me with benevolent eyes. Suddenly, she says no. I give a half smile of reluctance. It ends with her sending me back outside. I ask myself what I should have done differently. How do I assert myself? It takes me a week before I say again that I really need to leave. I can't cite convincing reasons of my resignation. I have accepted the fact that I'm confused. I too am not clear but my intuition tells me to set out. And maybe, that's how it is supposed to be. Glendenning, a well-known psychologist, claims that our generation is experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. We show symptoms like unfitting gushes of anger, mental numbing, curbing of emotions, and lack of a sense of future. But psychologists also advocate changing our notions of health and normal functioning. Maybe post-traumatic stress disorder is healthier that being paranoid and controlling. They urge us to accept multiple identities. How do we take temperaments equally from both stability and disarray? How do we balance a little order within an enormous chaos? They termed this synergy: a juxtaposing of socio-cultural establishments and our individual makeup. This is because we do not change the individual to cope with the environment, or vice versa, but both. How do we, as humans, exceed animal species? How do we become transformative agents with unparalleled creativity and capable of giving meaning to the planet? How do we balance the healing of our individual selves and of the collective welfare? In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck summarizes this point by saying, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

I rest after my resignation. I pick the color orange for my room. The bed lays relatively neat at the end of the space. At its right is the study table and at the left is a desktop computer. Directly in front is an old TV with loose cable connection. I stay in this room most of the time. I only go out of the house, at most, twice a week. I choose not to read any books for three months and merely watch children's cartoon. One would often find me scribbling. I'm always immersed in deep thoughts. I write three poems, two essays, and even two songs. But somehow, my employment experiences are still at the back of my mind. Eddie Gibbs continues that today's generation is more equipped than the past. We live in the information age and it is the only context we have ever known. We have been exposed to most facts every human has encountered. However, what we lack is what he calls a “critic from within”. Because we are short in experience, we may be intensely immersed in our selfish context. We forget that every culture has its upright, neutral, and destructive elements. Thus, we also forget to criticize ourselves. He concludes that modern and post-modern age brackets should be in a constant dialogue with each other. We must discern from both wisdoms. I learn that this implores constantly changing my frames of mind. What I reckon true before might be destructive in today's context. Although painful, I must omit it and permit a rebirth of mind maps. It also requires genuinely engaging with other people, even persons that might be opposite my nature. How do we collaborate to achieve goals we never dreamed? How do we spot various people's capacities that might aid in our missions? Finally, it brings me back to values of humility and of openness to learn from others.

After deep reflection and frequent solitude, I return to SIKAP as a full-time volunteer. With the aftertaste of working from other NGO's, I am silent and slowly sensing my way in. I often talk about my past work with passion and sometimes displeasure. I engage in workshops and trainings as a documenter. In one of our group mentoring sessions, it is my turn to share opinions. I throw a quick glance to everyone. I am one of the eldest in the group. The eyes of the younger participants gaze at me with gleaming eagerness to learn. Perhaps, they could sense how I outline the thoughts in my head. I promptly blurt out the concepts I long to communicate. Unexpectedly, the facilitator stops me and says that I might be articulating excessively. I realize that I do these because I'm trying to find activities that give me joy. Those that are meaningful to me. How fortunate that SIKAP is accepting of changes. Last year, although only two staff gave their full-time commitment, our team chooses to persevere. We treat those who are making money and working outside as productive work, while those care taking our group are doing reproductive work. This is inspired by gender theories but applied in an organizational setting. In order to strengthen the team we have developed, we fashion learning communities where we meet regularly. We share our learnings and even just converse about the things we value. This springs from our deep passion and profound search for meaning. Finally, we find spaces to address our personal clamors and our organizational processes. We try to integrate our individual struggles, no matter how small, to our group's pursuit.

SIKAP shows me that I'm undergoing a U-Process. It is necessary for me to experience a low point before I turn into a stronger being. From my past work, I am able to perceive an opportunity where I could engage. It is where I could leave my contribution. I am able to find my inner source of happiness where I give professional assistance and yet find deep joy. Thus, I plan to study MA Applied Social Psychology with thesis in Children and Youth and Learning and Knowledge Management or Organizational Development. But before this, I aim to develop a critic from within. I wish to genuinely engage in more dynamic organizations. I long to attend trainings, seminars, and other learning activities. Finally, I plan to continue writing documentations, evaluations, and researches. My writing shall give emphasis on both personal clamor and organizational processes. ***